Emptiness Or Guilt
Emptiness exists with or without a boyfriend. I remember feeling this emptiness before getting married. Desperate not knowing what to do with it, I threw myself into a romance: “Ah, a man will take away my emptiness.” But emptiness is inherent to human beings. Something is always missing: a love, a child, a job. Can I make peace with this?
In fact, what romance does is distract me from emptiness. Take me out for ice cream. Kisses at sunset. And my ego perks up. Wow! Someone wants me. It generates dopamine, loose laughter, and lots, lots of validation. This movement seems to feed the flame of life. It feels like I'm building something solid. But at any moment, the guy can jump out. And so one kind of emptiness increases the other. It's the dopamine of delusion, just like my marriage was.
Even married, I felt empty and wanted approval. But it was up to me to fill my void, not the other. Today, divorced and tired of feeling dissatisfied, I sit down to analyze it all. It sounds dangerous, but it's important to examine my internal dialogue. “You are letting opportunities pass you by. Your life would be better if you were smarter. You are not good enough. You’re lonely and need a boyfriend. You’re discouraged to be surrounded by uninteresting and unavailable men. It's a male pattern to be immature, selfish, narcissistic.” The blah-blah-blah automatically repeats itself. Fueled by guilt, the emptiness verbalizes hate for myself. The other is bad, I'm bad, life is bad. Aware, I immediately pause the chaotic monologue. I notice what I'm feeling and name the emotions. I direct my attention to where I feel fulfilled. After all, as Jout Jout says, “One thought can be another”. Since it's empty, it's a blank page. And in white, I can create something new.
The stagnation around me cannot interfere with my self-love. Bruce Lee said, “To hell with circumstances, I create opportunities.” And I remember igniting the energy of my enthusiasm. This way I can overcome, have fun, and validate myself. Yes, it takes more work. But it's real, it's mine, and it's in my control. I let go of patterns of emptiness, lack, and boredom to create mental space, another vision, and a new version of myself.
Driven by the illusory dopamine of a romance, I got distracted. I had a job I hated, a relationship that wasn’t good for me, and a body I didn't like. The divorce took me to rock bottom and there I asked myself: How do I generate dopamine by myself? Focused on my purpose. I increase my power through gymnastics. Courage through surfing. Confidence through writing. With the energy of creativity, I am good, the other is good, and life is good.
Dreams should be fed every day. Daily I overcome the resistance that lives in me. I can beat myself up because I haven't written or surfed enough, but most importantly I've been in touch with my feelings. Attentive to my emotions, I naturally work on the energy of creativity. This movement feeds the flame of life. Boosts areas that are not filled. And not the other way around. The resources are within me. Just like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, who had the power to click her hills together and go back home. I see that my best self is developing, and the journey reveals it a little more each day. With purpose, I abandoned the void. With observation, I diminished the illusions. With self-love, I was surprised to find myself.